


Trying to Understand Catalina and Catalina Trying to Understand Her Emotions

by ExhaustedSunflower



Series: There is a reason for every little thing we do [3]
Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:07:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25151365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExhaustedSunflower/pseuds/ExhaustedSunflower
Summary: Catalina has a hard time letting people help her until it’s too late. Thankfully the other queens are perfectly okay with helping her in any state.
Series: There is a reason for every little thing we do [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814929
Comments: 77
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one takes place like a month after Getting to Know: Katherine Howard.
> 
> Catalina is my fav queen and I can’t wait to share my interpretation of her with you all. This is gonna be fun. For me, it’ll be kinda sad and painful for you all. And Catalina, very sad for Catalina.

Since the queens have come to an agreement that they’d try to get along and support each other more, they’ve started having weekly wine nights. On these wine nights they’d all gather for snacks and wine and talk about anything that’s bothering them. It could be deep trauma from their past lives. (It often is just that.) Or it could be something that’s happened this week. The latter could range from Jane being irritated with Cathy for turning the bathroom light off at night and then Jane having to feel her way through the hall in order to make it to the toilet, to Catalina getting grabbed from behind at the train station by some random man. (She’d managed to shake the drunk off and Anna scared him off with a shove, Kitty had been panicked and paranoid for a few days after.) 

Catalina never gets drunk on these nights, she sips on her wine and keeps up her appearances as the composed one. She comforts the others, though there are a few that share her position on speaking up these nights too. Cathy for one has only shared bits and pieces, and Anna insists the only trauma she holds is her death and the terror of marrying a murderer. Catalina had raised an eyebrow at the ‘only’ in that statement. Just because it isn’t as dramatic as being beheaded doesn’t make it any less valid. But to digress, she doesn’t speak up much during these nights.

Tonight, they’re doing it on a Saturday, unusual only because they had an interview the day before and they normally do this on Friday nights. The interview had been uneventful, it was for some history magazine. They’d given a few tidbits and things about the time they’d lived in in their last lives.  The focus was women’s lives and treatment back then. The irony was not lost on the group that their story was being ignored in favor of the more grand picture, the society that men created. It was supposed to be a feminist piece, oh well, the media can have that then. It gives the queens some spending money anyway. Most of their needs are met by whatever brought them back, perhaps God or some high power. (She tries not to dwell on that topic much. It causes her quite a bit of existential anxiety.) So all they really need is some money for comfort purchases. Like wine, for example.

Anne is crying tonight, and she’s very  _ very _ drunk. She’s going on and on about everything and nothing in particular. Catalina has never seen her this distraught, but she’s also never seen her this drunk before. She still isn’t very fond of Anne, but with more context she can see how Anne had just as much of a choice in her actions and the effect they had back then as Catalina herself did. She’s not overly fond of her, but she can’t say she hates her anymore. So maybe that’s why, when Anne from her spot on the floor says something along the lines of, “ _ If I’d been a better wife _ ”, it strikes a nerve in Catalina, to the point that the woman moves to kneel in front of Anne to comfort her.

Kitty, who had been trying up until this point to calm Anne down, removes her hand from her cousin's shoulder and looks at Catalina curiously. Catalina places her wine glass on the table and takes Anne’s hands in hers.

“Anne,” she starts, attempting to get the woman’s attention. It works, of all the voices she’d been hearing, Anne hadn’t expected Catalina’s soft but strong one to add to the mix.

“I want you to know there was  _ nothing _ you could have done.” She says, “Henry was awful, he hurt everyone he came in contact with and you got hurt very badly. But he did that because it benefited him. He never took into account how others might feel or hurt, only what he would get.”

Anne looks at her tearful and wide-eyed. “But I got you hurt too!” She says it with such agony that Catalina nearly completely forgives her for everything. Every word and action in both lives that ever even mildly inconvenienced her.

“He hurt me long before you were even in the picture, mija. How long have you been holding that guilt?” One look at the woman’s face and stature tells her too long. She can’t even reply, still sobbing though it's slowed a bit so she can listen to Catalina. She hates to see that wrung out look of guilt on anyone, even Anne. Though Catalina won't lie and say it doesn’t feel good that Anne suffered from guilt from the pain she caused.

“Listen to me, I’m so sorry.” Anne is so confused at the apology that she reels back and forces herself to speak.

“ _ Why _ ? I hurt you! You didn’t even do anything!”

Catalina catches her hands again. “I didn’t do enough. I tried so hard to stop you. If I’d succeeded you wouldn’t have gotten hurt. None of you would have gotten hurt.” She confesses. “I got you hurt by not being enough. I fought so hard to stay his wife, to the point he threatened to behead  _ me _ . If I’d stuck around I’d be the only one hurt. If I’d been a better wife in the first place he wouldn’t have even looked your way! I’d give anything to trade places with you and keep you from the pain. Sorry I couldn’t do more.”

There’s quiet after her confession. She realizes that that’s the most she’s said during one of these sessions. She’s about to ask if Anne’s sufficiently calmed enough to get off of the floor and maybe watch a movie, when she’s legitimately tackled into a hug. She falls back in surprise and attempts to catch the sudden force. Not much one for physical contact, she just holds on to Anne awkwardly from under her until she decides to get up. This proves to take a while. The woman is still shaking with her cries. Tears are soaking Catalina’s sweater and she finds she doesn’t particularly mind that, just that she'd like to get up.

“Lina, you couldn’t have stopped him.” Jane says softly from the couch. Catalina can’t see her but she can hear the pain her words have caused.

“That doesn’t make me less guilty.”

“You shouldn’t feel guilty!” Kitty exclaims.

“This isn’t about me.” Catalina says roughly. “I said that to explain to Anne that she holds no blame, not even from me.”

The woman in question pulls away and drunkenly sways a bit. Anna catches her elbow before she can fall back on top of Catalina. Catalina sits back up and looks at Anne, who is still crying, but generally seems calmer. 

“You’re so  _ nice _ !” She cries out. She seems like she just realized the most dreadful thing she could ever come across.

Catalina flushes. “No I’m not- Anne, no. Let me go.  _ Anne _ .” She finds herself being pulled by the very drunk woman up and onto the couch. She’s thrown into a sitting position and before she can possibly register what’s happening or make an escape Anne is curled up against her, half on her lap. 

“Oh my Lord.” She mutters, her cheeks are pink from the wine. She’s drunk, she swears it.

“Look! She’s too nice to even push me off of her!”

“Get off of me.”

“I’ve been  _ awful  _ to the nicest person on earth!”

_ “I’m not _ \- oh whatever. Anne, you’re drunk and you’ll be very upset about this in the morning so I’m giving you a chance to gather your dignity and-  _ oh _ ”

She gets cut off by a bone crushing hug from the drunk woman. The others are hysterical at this point, they’ve been softly laughing since Anne tackled her, and have only gotten more amused as the interaction goes on.

“Shut up and help me.” She grumbles out to them, slightly breathless since Anne is currently squeezing the life out of her.

This only garners more laughter from the bunch. 

“When’s the last time you’ve gotten a  _ hug _ Lina?” Anne questions, clearly upset by something else entirely now. Catalina just looks at her and tells her to get off again.

“You deserve so many hugs. You might never forgive me, but I’ll be your hug supplier from now on.” Catalina thinks this sounds terrible for many reasons, a few of them being that this is Anne Boleyn, her kind of enemy slash least favorite kind of family member, and that Catalina doesn’t really like being touched so it sounds quite overwhelming to be hugged like this all the time. 

“You don’t have to do that.” The response elicits a giggle from their audience. She makes sure to send them a glare before continuing, “Please let me go.”

Anne buries her head into Catalina and holds her firmly. 

Catalina sighs, “Alright then, is there a movie in particular someone wanted to watch tonight?”

They end up watching Moana, and they all fall asleep half way through. Except Kitty and Cathy, who have actually watched it before and are singing along. (They tried to hide it from the others, but You’re Welcome is just such a catchy song.)

When Anne wakes up with a splitting headache, on top of an asleep Catalina and she can’t quite remember what happened the night before, she’s confused and embarrassed.

(She’s also pissed when she finds out they watched Moana while she was in such a state to not remember it. They watch it again with their dinner that night. Nobody mentions what happened the night before.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one hurts a bit.

There is a lot of trauma among the six Tudor queens. So much so that when they first reincarnated and were checked by doctors and psychiatrists alike, they’d suggested therapy. Maybe even an extended stay at a hospital as they try to adjust to modern life. They’d said no to that suggestion, but conceded to having a therapist come to their home once every two weeks. Admittedly, reincarnation is very jarring. 

Ms. Jenesko is a pleasant woman, she has a warm smile and an optimistic demeanor. It’s not at all her fault at all that her very existence grates on Catalina’s every last nerve. There’s no good reason for it, so Catalina keeps herself quiet when her brain makes snarky remarks at everything the woman says. She tries not to judge her when she comes in in questionable outfits, or when she says something so blatantly obvious during their one on one sessions Catalina wonders how on earth this is a job. Do people like her just walk into people’s lives, point out obvious facts about their personalities and then get paid? It’s ridiculous!

But the sessions seem to be helping some of the others. Jane doesn’t apologize about every little thing anymore, or get defensive enough to scream if someone points out a mistake, something Jane credited to Ms. Jenesko for helping her with. And as Anne works on her temper management Ms. Jenesko has given her some helpful tips. Kitty even said that her pulling them all into a conversation to get them all to get along had been her idea. She’d apparently suggested a family meeting to the girl and Kitty ran with it. Since they’d all been making progress, she kept her disdain for the therapist to herself. She really had tried in the beginning, but it’s hard to tell the overly perky woman anything at all because every reaction she gives is impossibly irritating. 

(“Well, that's a great choice! The toaster is really fascinating, once you think about it!” Ms. Jenesko cheerily responded. She’d asked what Catalina likes about this century, her tone was so cheery it felt condescending. The toaster isn’t fascinating to people who have always had one. Catalina had never even imagined such a thing in her first life. 

And so Catalina decided not to talk to her about things she likes anymore.)

The trouble with this, is that Catalina doesn’t quite trust her enough to properly use her as a resource for her growth. She can’t vent to a woman she can barely stand being around for two hours at a time without needing an Excedrin. Maybe this is the reason her nightmares and general anxiety have been only getting worse. Sure, she hasn’t mentioned her issues to Ms. Janesko; but also, she wouldn’t tell that woman her favorite color if she’d asked.

The point being, it’s 2am and Catalina's heart is pounding out of her chest. And she blames that damned therapist because if she hadn’t been forced to explain ( _ Again. _ ) every last detail of being alone and how it gave her abandonment issues in her past life that affect her now, and the not commonly talked about physical and verbal abuse the woman went through during her marriage, this wouldn’t be happening. She can’t go back to sleep, can’t even force her eyes closed. Her eyes dart around the room looking for something, anything to focus on but she can’t seem to make herself stay still. Her breathing is rapid enough to make her lightheaded. Her chest is squeezing uncomfortably and it reminds her painfully of her death. The thought sends another wave of panic through her and she sits up quickly. She can’t do this, she needs help. Who could possibly help her like this? She must be dying. 

Catalina stands and sways a bit on her feet. She brings her hands up to her throat and can feel the blood from the way she’d scratched at it upon waking up. The sword had felt so real. _It could have been me._ _It_ _should_ _have been me._ Her hands move down to her chest and she starts to scratch at herself there in a last ditch attempt for air. Maybe she should have let Kitty comfort Anne the other night. Maybe she shouldn’t have reminded herself of what could nearly have been her fate. She starts to walk toward her door, and then stumbles through it and over to the door opposite hers. Despite her panic, she forces herself to knock. She sees the light turn on in the crack at the bottom of the door. 

“Come in,” comes a soft voice from the other side after it.

She opens the door, it’s taking all her energy to hold herself upright as she walks through, then she closes it behind her. Jane looks very worried, she stands up and walks over to Catalina, who is shaking so hard she’s rattling the door she’s leaning on. 

“Oh dear, what happened?” She reaches to pull Catalina’s hand and lead her to the bed but the woman flinches back. Jane’s eyes widen. She looks at Catalina in shock, neither of them move or speak for a while. But then Catalina lets out a heart wrenching noise and Jane breaks from her shocked state.

“Alright, we’ll stay here then. Would you like to sit?” She asks quietly. Catalina’s response is to slide down the door and curl up at the bottom of it. Jane follows her down and sits in front of her.

“Can you tell me what’s got you like this?” She questions. 

“Help me. Please help.” Catalina chokes out. “Can’t- I  _ can’t- _ “ She’s cut off by a struggled heave, and the panic in her face grows more intense. Jane moves forward again and this time Catalina flinches so violently that her head hits the door behind her. She’s sure the others heard that.

“I won't touch you!” She assures the woman who is now hyperventilating violently. “Okay, just listen, can you try to count out your breathing for me?” Jane goes through some breathing exercises, and when she’s not quite calm but Jane is relatively sure the woman in front of her won’t pass out, she starts something else.

“Hey, can you tell me four things you see in this room?”

Catalina’s breathing still isn’t even, she looks at Jane, who is looking at her encouragingly. 

“Um,” she glances around, every time her eyes sweep the room, it becomes easier to focus them. “I see- * _ hic _ * the desk, * _ hic*  _ and the  _ *hic*  _ the lamp, the  _ *hic*  _ bed, and, * _ hic*  _ and, you?” She isn’t even quite sure she got four things, but she’s doing it. She looks back at Jane questioningly. Jane just smiles at her.

“Great job! Now three things you hear?” Catalina’s brows furrow as she tries to focus her hearing.

“Well, you. And  _ *hic*  _ me. And,” she listens for a moment, the fan above them is making a quiet whirring noise. “The fan.” She finishes with uncertainty. 

“Am I doing this right?” She questions, voice shaking. Jane nods.

“Yes dear, you’re doing wonderfully. Now what are four things you feel?”

It takes a bit before Catalina can ground her sense of touch enough to answer that question.

“The carpet,” she looks around the room again, “the door, my hair on my neck, um, and my,” she hesitates slightly, “My sweater?”

“Great, you did great; would you like to come off of the floor now?” She asks. Catalina looks tired as she nods. Jane stands and it takes everything in her not to reach to help Catalina as she does. 

“You still don’t want to be touched?” She questions, Catalina gives a guilty looking nod, still looking down at the floor.

Jane smiles at her as they make their way over to the bed, “That’s alright. Can I at least look at your head? You hit it quite hard.”

Catalina looks hesitant, as Jane inspects her she notices there’s blood on her hands, then she sees some on her shirt. Jane’s heart skips a beat.

“There’s blood on you!” The woman’s head shoots up and Jane sees the scratches on her throat. “Sit down.” She says, suddenly way more serious. Catalina immediately does as she’s told, sitting on Jane’s bed. Jane says she’ll be right back and tells Catalina not to move. Then slips out the door.

When she comes back she has the first aid kit. She sits next to Catalina on the bed. “You don’t have to tell me about it, but I have to treat the scratches on your throat.” She says gently. Catalina reels backward.

“Lina, please. I promise it’ll be quick, I just don’t want you getting infected.” The scratches are a lot like that of Kitty’s, or Anne’s (Or even Cathy’s, though they haven’t been able to get her to tell them why.) after a particularly bad nightmare. Jane knows dreaming of a beheading is terrifying. She's had quite a few herself. But Henry had never threatened to behead her, so it doesn’t cause her as much anxiety as the others, she’s never the one on the scaffold in her dreams. It’s always Anne or Kitty in her dreams, one making her incredibly guilty to the point she wishes the dream would allow her to look away, the other she doesn’t think she could look away from if she had the ability. 

(They’d all been shocked to find that Kitty’s reincarnated age actually reflected how old she was when she died. She's a child, and Jane’s never wanted to kill someone long dead so much before in her life, either of them. She hadn’t carried herself like a child though, scared, but not childlike scared, more like terror. As if she’d seen something that you could never be the same after. You don’t get to be a child once Henry gets his hands on you, Jane supposes.

There was plenty of evidence of his pervertedness when it came to women younger than him.)

After more coaxing, Jane manages to get Catalina to sit still long enough to disinfect and wrap the scratches on her throat up, then she checks her head.

“That’s quite the bump, you’ll have a headache tomorrow.”

Catalina stays quiet, looking at her with a look she can’t quite place. It makes Jane uneasy. She wants to ask what’s going on inside Catalina’s head.

“Are you tired?” Jane asks instead. Catalina nods.

Jane nods back and pulls back her covers enough for Catalina to climb in.

“You’re not spending the rest of tonight alone. I won’t touch you, just sleep in here, okay?” Catalina regards her for a moment, and then her thoughts seem to come to a conclusion.

“I thought I was dying.” She admits, and Jane looks at her in surprise. She's about to respond but Catalina beats her to it.

“Thank you, Jane. I don’t know what I’d have done without you tonight.” She says, and she climbs into the spot Jane gave her on the bed. 

Jane gives back a quiet, “You’re welcome. Any time, love.” And gets into bed next to her, careful not to touch her. They sleep in that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don’t like to be touched when I’m panicking, and a lot of the time people think the solution to being upset is a hug. When you’re in the state Lina’s in in this you’re not even fully aware of where you are, so touches are unwelcome. (At least for me.) I’m projecting just a bit to explore that. 
> 
> Anyways, leave a comment, I love reading what you all think!


	3. Chapter 3

“So you’re telling me you didn't know that this was Cathy’s favorite pen?”

“I didn’t!” She insists. “You have to help me hide it!”

“Absolutely not, you’re on your own.”

“Lina please,” She’s begging now, this could be a disaster. “At least help me break the news to her.”

“Anna, I’m sure she’ll forgive you. It’s only a pen.”

“She loves this thing though! You know it's not just a pen to her!” Catalina does know, she’s very aware of how attached her goddaughter is to said pen. 

She looks at the table, which is covered in six different colors of ink, as well as shards of broken plastic and other pieces of pen mechanisms. Then she looks at the floor, where the pen originally broke in the first place. The ink will stain if they don’t clean it now.

“You’re making it very difficult for me to believe that you didn’t know this was Cathy’s pen.” 

It’s hard to mistake the pen for any of the others in their home. This pen in particular has ten different switches around it to put out ten different colors. On their first trip to their local dollar store, Cathy bought it, claiming that it's the best invention in the modern century. She writes random notes with it, admitting she’d rather actually write with a fountain pen, but that her multicolored pen is just as useful. You can find all different colors on the notes and lists attached to the fridge. That’s probably why it was in the kitchen in the first place.

Anna groans at the response Catalina gave her, prompting the older woman to roll her eyes. 

“Fine! I’ll clean this up, you go to the store and buy her a new pen. We’ll never speak of this again. Okay?” She offers. Catalina’s tone is very take it or leave it, so Anna knows this is her only chance at getting any help from the woman.

“Yes! Thank you!” Anna immediately runs to get some money and leave.

Catalina watches her go, then when she hears the front door shut she gets to work. Admittedly she doesn’t want to see Cathy hurt over such a thing; that’s why she’s doing this. Any time her goddaughter looks even remotely unhappy Catalina will do whatever it is to make it better. The feeling scares her, she hasn’t felt that much care for someone in such a long time. And she’s quite hesitant to let those feeling out, or give in to her maternal instincts and scare the woman off. They’ve become friends in this life. Catalina can confidently say that they care a great deal about each other, but she’s not quite sure Cathy feels the way she does in the familial aspect of their relationship. But if it means she gets to see Cathy happy, Catalina might do anything. Including cleaning up this damn ink.

Just as she finishes throwing the last of the plastic away, Jane walks in with Cathy. They both greet her pleasantly, she responds just as pleasant in tone. They both make their way about the kitchen, going about finding snacks and talking about something or another. Catalina pretends to be busy looking for something in the fridge and holds her breath in anticipation for the worst. Thankfully they both leave the kitchen just as fast as they entered it, leaving her with just a bit of anxiety and adrenaline from the close call. She then retreats to her bedroom, not wanting to face her goddaughter knowing that her favorite thing in the world is missing and that she’d helped the culprit get away with it.

_

Anna takes a bit to come back, and when she makes it home she replaces the pen by placing an identical one where she found it. Then she heads up to Catalina’s room to report that the deed is done. She jumps on the bed and bounces a bit upon contact. Catalina raises an eyebrow at the woman and Anna just grins back, holding up the plastic bag from the store.

“So guess what I just did. Here’s a hint, I’m a genius.”

“First of all, you’re the idiot who broke my goddaughters favorite pen. Second of all, what did you do?”

Anna pouts for a moment at the insult, but soon gives in to her grin once again. Clearly whatever it is has her excited. She dumps the contents of the bag onto the bed, and Catalina’s eyes widen in shock.

“I bought them all.” 

“I can see that.”

“You can say I’m a genius now.”

“This particular idea was a good one, you’re still an idiot. What are you even gonna do with all these pens?” 

Anna shrugs, “I dunno, give her them as gifts sometimes? Or I can replace them if they break? Those pens aren’t very sturdy.”

“Yeah, most pens aren’t sturdy enough to withstand people stomping on them. You know?” Catalina says, sarcasm is dripping from her voice.

Anna gathers the pile of pens and puts them in her bag. Then she stands up.

“You’re clearly enthusiastic about my incredible ideas. I appreciate the support.” She says as she walks toward the exit.

“Oh yes, you have my full support at all times.” It comes out teasing, but she even means it. Catalina has grown quite fond of Anna, she’d be there for her for just about anything. She supposes that might be another reason she helped Anna with her crime.

As Anna leaves, she stops just outside the door to speak briefly to someone on the other side, then a second later Cathy walks in. 

“Is this a good time, Madrina?” Catalina’s heart feels immediately lighter at the term. She invites her to sit and Cathy does. She’s quite small for her age, or, rather, her assumed age upon reincarnation. She says she feels about twenty two. But still, shorter than the rest. Often when they go out she’s mistaken for the youngest of the bunch. Lina, in contrast to that, took a bit of time to get used to towering over people. She’d been quite short in her first life, it was a while before she stopped losing her balance or banging her head on the things around her. In this life she’s about twenty eight, and tall.

Cathy climbs onto the bed, sitting pretty much in the same place Anna had just occupied. “Is there something you needed, mija?” Cathy shakes her head.

“Nothing in particular, I just haven’t spoken to you much in the past few days. Is it alright if I spend some time in here?” Catalina smiles and her entire demeanor softens at that. Dear Lord, that is so sweet.

“You’re always welcome company, dear.”

They make pleasant conversation for a while after that, Catalina feels her heart swell as she listens to Cathy talk about her latest interest.

(“Wait, so what’s the difference between physiology and anatomy?” Her goddaughter's eyes lit up at the question and she launched into a detailed description of each branch of science. So many new discoveries, so little time.)

They talked for so long, they’d nearly missed dinner. Anne knocked on the door to tell them the food she’d been preparing is ready, so they descended the stairs together. Sitting next to each other, they continued their conversation, which is now about which breed of cat is the meanest. They’re both cat people though, so it's all in good fun. They were cut off however, by Kitty launching a piece of baby carrot at Jane.

They looked on in silence as Jane looked at Kitty, then down at the carrot, in shock. She seems to be thinking very hard about something. 

“ _ Why? _ ”

Kitty just giggled in response. Catalina noticed that Anne and Anna were both also laughing.

She’s about to reprimand the teen for throwing food at the dinner table, when Jane picks up the carrot and throws it back. It hits Anne though, who then throws a small piece of chicken at Anna for laughing at her. Cathy lets out a loud laugh at that, so Anna throws that same piece of chicken in her direction.

It hits Catalina.

All the laughing stops, Catalina isn’t very sure how to respond to this. She’d grown up a princess, never had a chance to play around like this. She wouldn’t feel comfortable participating in this food fight anyways, so why does she feel like she wants to? They’d stopped having fun after it hit her anyway, so clearly she’s not wanted in this game. It’d be better to leave them be. Catalina just sighs and stands with her plate in hand. 

“I think I’ll finish this in my room then.” She says quietly. She feels the tension in the room as she leaves. 

“Well, that could have gone better.” Anne states, Kitty nods in agreement and apologizes to Jane for throwing a carrot at her in the first place.

“It’s fine dear, you were only playing around.”

Cathy stares at the door to the dining room after Catalina leaves. Maybe she shouldn’t have laughed in the first place. She should have been more mature. She turns back to her food, now ignoring all the conversation around her in order to think. Should she go after her godmother? It’s not like she’d been the one to throw it, Catalina couldn’t be mad at her. Could she? Maybe, she decides on.

“I hadn’t meant to hit her with it, I was aiming at Cathy.” Anna’s voice brings Cathy out of her thoughts. 

“It’s really my fault though, I shouldn’t have thrown that carrot. If I didn’t do that then it wouldn’t have escalated to that point.” Kitty takes the blame.

“Well maybe she shouldn’t be such a buzz kill and learn to have fun every once in a while.”  Kitty smacks Anne’s arm, so the woman apologizes.  After they finish up their food, they try to settle who should go check on Catalina.

“Listen, I love her, but those one on one conversations make me so anxious I’d rather jump out of a window.” They know this, Jane is still not great at comforting the others, and while she is getting better at it, her anxiety around it causes the situation to be a bit tense.

“We know Jane, but it can’t be me, she hates me.” Anne has a point.

“She doesn’t hate you, Anne. She is annoyed by your existence. There’s a difference.” Anna also has a point.

“I’d do it, but I really think that it should be Cathy.” Kitty suggests. Everyone seems to consider this, and then express their wholehearted agreement.

“Definitely, Lina’s most likely to talk to her anyway. They’re basically a mother daughter duo.” Cathy takes a moment to process what Anna just said. Are they? She definitely sees Catalina as someone she looks up to. They share a bond, but she'd never put a name on it before this. Do they really act like a mother and daughter would?

“Okay, I’ll check on her then.” She says and begins her journey to Catalina’s room. She wonders if Catalina will even want to see her. They tell each other a lot, but what if whatever happened downstairs made her godmother think she’s not worth it anymore? She comes to a stop at Catalina’s door, then knocks.

“Come in.” She does, and sees her Catalina sitting at her desk, writing.  Well, she was writing, she’s put down her pen to give Cathy her full attention.

“Are you writing anything interesting?” Is what she decides to start with. It’s safer than outright asking what’s wrong.

“Not really, just my journal. Did you need something?”  That question sounds tight and dismissive, like she'd rather just get whatever it is over with. Earlier, when she’d asked a similar question, it’d been soft and inviting. The change of tone stings a bit. It shouldn’t though, she lets Anna’s words echo around her head a bit,  _ she’s not my mother _ . 

“I’m sorry you got hit with that food, it was meant for me.” She apologizes to her friend. Catalina looks a little surprised to hear an apology.

“Oh, don’t be sorry. If anything I’m sorry I ruined the fun.” Catalina watches Cathy’s brows furrow.

“What? We stopped because we thought it was bothering you!” Cathy sees her godmother's face change a few times, then she stops on an unreadable emotion.

“You weren’t bothering me at all.” She says softly.

If they weren’t bothering her, why did she leave? She could have joined in. They wouldn’t have minded at all. The thought of Catalina taking part in a food fight is an incredible mental image though, and Cathy has to physically force her thoughts back in track with a quick shake of her head. Catalina notices this action, and stands to walk closer to Cathy, asking if she’s okay. The older woman places a hand on Cathy’s arm gently. It feels like a mother's touch.

“I’m fine, are you?” The question takes Catalina aback slightly, she leads them over to her bed. 

_‘Why would she be asking that?’_ Is all Catalina could think. Of course she was okay, she’d been keeping to herself for their sakes, not her own. (Maybe a little her own, she doesn’t want to face the fact that the others truly do not want her around.) 

Cathy is still looking at her, waiting for an answer, so Catalina is quick to answer, “Of course, querida. I feel just fine.” She watches Cathy’s eyes widen a bit, Catalina’s own do as well. She’s never called her that before. Before she can correct herself, Cathy grabs Catalina’s hand. She looks down at their intertwined hands, then back to Cathy, who is looking down shyly. 

“Is this okay?” The woman asks, and Catalina has to restrain herself from pulling her closer. 

“This is great, are you okay with it?” The questions are about more than just the hand holding, they’re both painfully aware of this. It’s about their dynamic, about the pet name Catalina just used. It’s about how they think of each other. Are they okay with it all changing tonight?

“I think so.”

She can't say for sure about the others, but it sure feels like Cathy wants her around. Catalina feels she might cry, the tears almost make it out, but she holds them in. Cathy though, sees the unshed tears and immediately panics.

“Are you sure this is okay? I’m sorry if I overstepped. You probably didn’t even mean-“ She tries to pull her hand away, but Catalina’s grip tightens enough that she can’t let go. She shakes Cathy a bit, getting her attention.

“I do mean it! This is perfect,  _ querida. _ Absolutely perfect.”  _ I think of you as my own daughter. _ That part doesn’t make it past her lips, but the implication is the same. 

Catalina hugs Cathy, also a new thing, since its common knowledge among the household that Catalina doesn’t like hugs. Maybe it's not that at all though, Cathy thinks. Maybe hugs just mean something else to her. This feels different, a good different. This isn’t just a hug. This is an acceptance of feelings, an acceptance of Cathy, and whatever Catalina and Cathy feel towards each other. The hug radiates trust, and Cathy just squeezes her godmother back just s tightly.  They sit like that for a while, and Catalina decides there’s something she must say, she can’t bear to keep it from Cathy any longer. Cathy tells her she’s ready to hear anything Catalina needs to get off her chest. Catalina takes a breath;

“Anna broke your favorite pen, then replaced it with a new one so you wouldn’t find out.” Cathy pulls back quickly in shock.

“ _ What? _ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m soft for Cathy and Catalina content.
> 
> I also wanted to touch on her maternal instincts again, because why not. There’s a bit of loneliness, but this one mostly is about her being Mom!Lina and both of them being scared what that means.
> 
> Also, Cathys pen is very real and it was a big part of my childhood. 
> 
> https://www.officedepot.com/a/products/788586/Yafa-Multifunction-10-Color-Ballpoint-Pen/?cm_mmc=PLA-_-Google-_-Pens_Pencils_Markers-_-788586&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&gclid=Cj0KCQjwo6D4BRDgARIsAA6uN19ze4bQE3AaThou_-tf_vpaZkWVIy_xBRgjOyak14XHn24XXiQ0ZfcaAlQ3EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
> 
> Thats the link if you wanna buy one. They’re incredible I agree with Cathy that has to be my favorite invention so far too.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we address Catalina’s loneliness. Unfortunately she doesn’t get a hug like you all wanted but it’s okay I promise.

Anne is in the kitchen eating her soup when she hears it. There’s faint crying, she hears it from the vent that puts out the heat. (Anne is still not convinced it isn’t magic, but it keeps the house nice and warm, so she supposes that this magic is okay.) That vent in particular leads upstairs, she knows, so it must be one of the bedrooms. But Jane is out with Kitty, and Anna and Cathy are in the office, so that just leaves one person. 

Catalina is definitely the one crying upstairs. For a moment she considers her options; should she go and get Cathy to check on her again? But Cathy is helping Anna with some secret project that involves a lot of excited whispering and laughing, she doesn’t want to interrupt them. She doesn’t see Anna get excited over much, she’d hate to take that away from her. Jane is the next best thing, but she’s not here, and she’ll be gone for a while. Her and Kitty went to the mall and they normally take hours to return when they go to one store, let alone a building with that many. That leaves Anne. She isn’t sure she wants to be the one to do this. The two are still tense around each other at best, Anne surely wouldn’t be welcome anyway; and she kinda just wants to finish her soup.

But Catalina had helped her last week, regardless of their past. Her memory is fuzzy, but she’d woken up snuggled into Catalina’s side and Catalina had been more than gentle with Anne when she’d woken up. She gave Anne some medicine and told her she’d let whatever happened between them go to quote, ‘save Anne’s dignity’. Which was so nice that Anne didn’t even trust herself to respond, scared to break whatever truce had been made. She might as well return the favor, she thinks. They’ll be even now. Anne abandons her soup in favor of climbing the stairs and walking to Catalina’s room, the crying is quiet even through the door, like she’s trying to stifle it.

She knocks, “Lina? It’s Anne.” The cries immediately stop all together. There’s a tense moment where there’s no noise at all, and Anne thinks the woman is just going to ignore her until she leaves. Then she hears footsteps, and the door opens. 

To say Catalina looks rough would be the understatement of the year. Her eyes are puffy and red, as well as her nose, so she’d probably been using tissues to try and stop her crying. There’s bags under her eyes that suggest she’s not been sleeping properly. She’s normally wearing makeup, Anne just now notices. Her hair, which is normally at least somewhat in order when she faces the others, is a straight up mess. Anne wonders how she’d never noticed Catalina puts herself together before coming downstairs. It looks so effortless that it’d never crossed her mind she’s never seen her even slightly out of sorts. She’s wearing a long black t-shirt with some band logo on the front and shorts that are so short it looks like there’s nothing there. Quite the contrast from her usual sweater and legging combo that looks so regal and composed on her. She sees almost but not quite healed scratches on Catalina’s throat that look a lot like her own after a nightmare. In short, this is a completely different Catalina than Anne has seen since reincarnation, and her brain slightly short circuits over it.

She’d seen ready-for-bed Catalina in their last lives, but even then she’s starting to realize that she’s never seen her look like this before. How the hell has she not noticed this? She realizes she’s been staring wide eyed at Catalina when she speaks up.

“Do you need something? Or did you just come here to stare at me?” It’s snarky, but Anne can’t even process it. Mostly because Catalina just looks so sad. 

“I heard crying, so I came to check on you.” She says honestly. She’s just starting to get over the older woman’s appearance. And so Anne is also remembering that this is a terrible idea. She should have just gotten Cathy.

“I’m fine, you were hearing things.” Catalina says coldly, Anne reminds herself not to take it personally. She thankfully remembers what Catalina said she would need in this situation. Thank God they’d had that conversation. Otherwise she’d be lost right now.

“In the event that I am upset by something here, I may start a fight. Please be patient with me, I’m trying to get better with this.” 

She also remembers talk of donations in the form of baked goods. She should have brought a cookie with her for backup.

“Right, except not at all, because I definitely heard crying coming from your room. So tell me what’s wrong and maybe I can do something to help.” Catalina just stares at her.

Anne sighs, this is so much more difficult than comforting Kitty. All she has to do for her cousin is hug her and she’ll be open to Anne trying to make her feel better. This thought gives Anne an idea through, so all hope is not lost.

“Would you like a hug?” She offers. She expect the woman to slam the door in her face, or maybe tell her to fuck off. (But in the nice more put together way, not using that kind of language.) What she doesn’t expect is for Catalina to start laughing. But that's what happens.

She's about to ask what was so funny about that question, or just give up and leave the woman alone, but then Catalina, through her laughter that looks so out of place with her sad appearance, speaks up.

“Is that your solution to everything? You’re not even drunk this time!”

What?

Oh.

Oh.

“Did I hug you that night? Is that how I ended up on top of you? What do you mean ‘My solution to everything’? Why did I hug you?”

Catalina, though force of will seemingly, sobers up and opens the door wider. 

“Come in, mija.” She says through the last of her laughter. Anne walks through the door, and lets herself be led to Catalina’s window seat. Her bed isn’t made, and there’s a wet spot on one of the pillows. She’s still not sure why Catalina was laughing, but it got her through the door. Ten points to Anne!

They both sit, and Anne asks, “So, what’s wrong?”

Catalina sighs, clearly Anne isn’t going to drop it.

“I’m feeling a bit… lonely. Nothing too serious. I’m not even sure why I started to cry in the first place. I suppose I was just feeling sorry for myself.” She admits. She’s severely undermining the thoughts she was having just a moment ago, but there’s no need for Anne to hear about those.

“Oh.” Anne starts, “If you were feeling lonely you could have come and hung out with me, I was just eating.” She says it as if it's just that easy, as if Catalina could just ‘go and hang out with her’ without it being weird.

“You don’t want me around- which is fine! It makes sense, but as much as we don’t get along I don’t like being a bother. Even to you.”

“And here I thought I wouldn’t be welcome around you.” Anne mutters. “I think we need to get on the same page here. I don’t hate you, Lina. Your company is welcome any time.” She states clearly. This comes as a shock to Lina, who was sure, despite what Anne drunkenly said last week, the other woman wanted nothing to do with her. When Catalina doesn’t respond, Anne takes the initiative to keep the conversation going herself. 

“Do you hate me?” Admittedly Anne was a little afraid of the answer to that question. She has a little bit of hope, considering they’re here having this conversation, but still. Thankfully, Catalina is quick to answer this time.

“No! No, of course not. I don’t think I could if I tried. You’re not very hateable, believe it or not.” Anne has a hard time believing that last part, but she takes the answer gratefully.

“Good, so then we should be able to hang out without you being anxious about it.” Catalina falters again.

“I can’t,” She says quietly.

“Why?”

Catalina takes some time to think about this question, and Anne can’t find a good reason herself as to why. So she waits for an answer instead of trying to prompt one.

“Well, for one, I’m afraid I’m not very fun to be around.” She states. 

That is not true, Kitty and Cathy both talk about how funny Catalina is all the time. Even Anne can see how her comments and quick wit would be funny, if not directed at Anne herself. She tells Catalina this, and Catalina comes up with yet another reason.

“I don’t want to intrude. Even if you say I’m welcome, you all tense up when I’m around. I’d rather let you all have fun.”

This one actually is true, but not for the reasons Catalina thinks they are.

That must be why she left two nights ago at dinner. We were having fun, but we thought she got upset with us so we stopped.

“We do that because we don’t want to bother you.” She explains. “You might not realize, but everyone in this house has immense respect for you. Including me.”

Catalina seems perplexed by this reasoning. 

“I appreciate the respect, but why? I haven’t done anything to deserve it.” That hurts to hear. Anne had thought Catalina knew she had their respect. But not only have they unknowingly excluded the woman from their group, they made her doubt herself, too. She doesn’t want Catalina to feel as though she isn’t deserving of respect. If anything the woman deserves and has the most respect of the whole group. (Besides Kitty, they’re not sure what the girl has been through, but there’s suspicion that it's more than what a normal person can handle, besides the beheading, of course. She's very strong, and has earned their respect at the very least.) 

“First, you’re actual royalty. Like, Spanish princess, then the rightful queen of England, you’re the most regal of us all. You carry yourself with such poise! I don’t know how you make everything you do seem like it has such purpose, but it’s incredible.” She starts off with the most obvious reason first, then goes into detail.

“Second, you are so kind. You have so many reasons to punch me in the face every day, and yet you say you don’t even hate me. You’ve basically adopted Cathy and Kitty, even though you barely know them, and it must hurt to be maternal to someone after all you’ve been through. Trust me when I say I know it hurts. I feel it whenever I’m taking care of Kitty myself.” And last but not least, “And third, and this is gonna be a little out there, you’re gonna be like, ‘Anne, why do you know this about me, you creep?’. You’re always helping people. Even me! Whenever someone comes to your room, you ask what they need. Even when you’re sad like this! And you helped me when I was drunk, and you help the others whenever they need you. You helped Anna when she broke Cathy’s pen, even though you ratted her out in the end. But still.” She ends her rant and looks at Catalina, who looks so shocked by the answer that Anne thinks she might have broken her.

“Do you need more reasons? I can keep going.” She takes a breath to start back up again, but Catalina stops her. 

“No, thank you. Really, thank you for that.” Catalina seems dazed. It was an overload of information, she’s still trying to sort through it in her head.

“Now have I convinced you that you are welcome around me and the others?” Anne sees the doubt creep back into Catalina’s eye’s. She knows the answer is no without the woman answering her. “Why do you have such difficulty with believing people actually like and want to be around you?”

If Catalina was shocked at Anne’s rant, she’s damn near unresponsive now.

“Catalina?” She must have hit a nerve. Either this conversation is getting somewhere, or it's about to be completely shut down.

Anne thinks about shaking her, but remembers that Catalina doesn’t like being touched when she’s sad, so she tries calling her name again. This time Catalina seems to hear her, she looks down at her lap.

“I don’t know.” She says quietly. She’s completely curled in on herself now. Anne knows that Catalina has abandonment issues. She’s sure that that has a lot to do with her isolating herself from the others. Perhaps she’s afraid they will decide to toss her aside or leave her too? That must be it, Anne thinks. Anne isn’t the person that can help her with this though. She can only do so much. This might need the touch of a professional.

“Right,” Anne mumbles as she thinks that over, “Well maybe you should talk about this with Marie?”

Catalina immediately tenses, her nose scrunches up and she looks insulted by the very suggestion.

“Ms. Jenesko? Absolutely not. That woman is insufferable.”

It’s strange to hear Catalina talk like that about someone that isn’t Anne herself, so she finds herself laughing at the response.

“Do you think so? I think she’s nice.”

“Christ, no. This is how that would go, ‘Well, I have abandonment issues that result in me isolating myself from the others and then feeling sad and resentful of myself.’ And then she’d say ‘And how do you feel about that?’ Like, clearly sad and resentful? What are you being paid for? God. And then she’d point out something I already said as if I haven’t said it, and give me some bullshit advice like, ‘Honesty is the best policy, be honest with yourself and the rest will work out.’ I am being honest with myself, and the truth is that I can’t stand her.”

Anne is laughing again before the first sentence is out of Catalina’s mouth. Her impression of their therapist is absolutely spot on; she sounds exactly like that. She says things that sound a lot like the examples given. Though her facial expressions are what made it so funny. And Catalina sounded absolutely slighted the entire time she spoke, which was so funny Anne could barely contain her barking laughter as it ended. All in all though, the mini rant made some points. Clearly Catalina has had these thoughts for a while.

“I told you you were fun to be around!” Anne says, still laughing. This gets a bit of laughter from Catalina herself, and Anne feels that sense of accomplishment again. Ten more points for Anne!

“But seriously, if the therapist bothers you this much, why haven’t you mentioned it before? We could have found something else to help you,” Catalina looks as though she hadn’t considered that before. Of course she hasn’t, Catalina is too nice to complain about Marie knowing that the rest of the Queens actually find her helpful.

Anne immediately starts looking for solutions. “There have to be alternative methods of therapy. Maybe we can ask Cathy to help us research them? Then we can get you an appointment for something that doesn’t involve perky therapists.” She starts to think of what else they can do right now to make Catalina more comfortable around the others. She should have a talk with them to tell them not to act weird around Catalina anymore. They didn't know that it came off as uninviting or as dislike. But now Anne knows, so she can do something about it,

“I think it's ironic that you call me kind and yet the moment I show the slightest bit of struggle you involve yourself with finding the solution.”

The comment catches Anne off guard. Now it's her turn to look at the other, shocked and not sure how to respond. Catalina lets her get her bearings, then Anne responds, slightly embarrassed.

“Well, we can both be nice I guess.” She says, sounding shyer than usual.

“To each other.” Catalina adds.

Yes, that sounds good.

“Yeah, we can both be nice to each other.” Anne agrees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you enjoyed this chapter! It’s the longest one by far. Anne and Catalina redemption is another thing that I enjoy thoroughly. And as you can see and some of you have noticed in the comments, they don’t get too in depth with all of her issues, just focusing on one. I feel like they don’t have to deal with all of it right away, thats what the support is for.
> 
> I have the final chapter for this written, its quite short. I may add another one, but I don’t think I will.


	5. Chapter 5

Anne actually does end up helping find Catalina an alternative to her therapy sessions. After going through  _ many _ different options, they were beginning to feel at a bit of a loss.

“Have you thought about art therapy?” Cathy suggests yet another form of therapy that can help her with her trauma and anxiety. Catalina nods.

“I have, but I looked it up myself in my spare time and decided it isn't for me.”

They go through another list of different methods of professional help, and each one Lina shoots down with a different excuse. That is until they get to the very bottom of today's list. Dance therapy. Anne sees Lina’s eyes light up at that one, and when she doesn’t hear an immediate refusal she tells Cathy to click the link attached to it. (Cathy has taken up the responsibility of providing the lists, they come in an easy document on her laptop and there are several resources attached under each method of therapy.) (Anne is helping Catalina consider all her options, asking questions and helping critical thinking.)

The link leads to a website where you can set up an appointment to begin to create your own ‘plan’. The point, as it says on the home page, is to use ‘nonverbal movement vocabulary’ to express yourself when words become hard to use. It makes sense this would pique her interest, Anne thinks; Catalina doesn’t necessarily enjoy talking about what’s bothering her at any given moment. But more than that, Catalina has always loved to dance. Even in their first lives she danced constantly, to the point that it was annoying and hard to keep up with. In this life she still does, and now that they don’t hate each other, it's rather endearing, and still kind of hard to keep up with. She’s not sure when Catalina’s annoying, hateable qualities turned into endearing habits, but Anne  _ is  _ sure that this is a lot easier to deal with. It’s definitely less energy consuming than anger and guilt, too.

They make Catalina an appointment, and the woman is restless for the two weeks leading up to it. She misses dancing, not that she doesn’t dance in this life, but there’s a difference between full on dancing and swaying her hips to the low volume music playing from the radio as she cleans the kitchen. (Radio’s are quite fun, aren’t they? The modern world has all kinds of neat stuff.) She’s not even sure what to expect from her appointment, she just hopes she gets to properly dance. It’s odd to be openly excited about something too, because before this she’s kept most emotions to herself. The others have figured some things out, like her fascination with the toaster, or that she doesn’t like being touched when she’s upset. But other than that she’s kept up her collected but hopefully nice enough persona this whole time they’ve been alive. The conversation with Anne in her bedroom had at the very least informed her that they like her well enough to be okay with her presence beyond just a quick smile, though, so she’s been making an effort to spend more time being open around them. 

When her appointment rolls around, the other queens show their full support as she leaves, and when she gets home they’re waiting to hear how it went. Maybe they do care, Catalina slowly starts to admit to herself. And so she starts to act more like a real person around the others, maybe more relaxed, maybe more outwardly excited about things. The bad days are more bearable when they refuse to leave her alone. She's started to wear her comfort clothes around the others, and she wears less makeup around the house by the day. 

By the time she realizes that she’s comfortable with her newfound family, or even that she now considers them to be fully family, it's too late to stop herself on purpose. Surely they do actually like her, she certainly likes them a great deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read a fic recently about Catalina loving to dance and it fed my soul so now I hc that Catalina loves to dance and would absolutely love dance therapy as an alternative to regular therapy.
> 
> All done for Catalina. Not sure how I feel about this one, it’s definitely pretty short. But hopefully it got across Lina’s progress in a way that doesn’t quite tie things up but is a good ending to this. I’m going for family feels at the end of each, in case you haven’t noticed lmao.
> 
> As always leave a comment! Thank you for reading!!!


End file.
